The things I’d say to God over a pie and a pint.

You know, I’m not in the habit of inviting strange men down the pub for a drink. Even though inviting this one is just a fantasy of mine, given the bone I am dying to pick with this bloke, it’s a case of needs must.

I doubt that a lifetime of Sundays would ever bring me such an opportunity, but I’ve got this thing about God, or more to the point, with some of his followers.

Like many of you, I worry and struggle with the horrors in the world today. Man and his stupid idiotic notions and beliefs drive me potty much of the time and in most cases, it relates back to religion, God or what man has chosen to believe.

I reckon that’s not the fault of God, so I’m not laying blame at his door.


If he’s as good as many might claim, I’ve got some burning questions.

I’m not a follower of God and I’m not convinced he actually exists. But just because I don’t follow someone or agree with them, doesn’t mean I don’t want to interact or chat. We can’t become enlightened to reality from self-imposed tunnel vision.

I was a bit backward when I was young. Not all my fault, but it brought me the realisation that to be the wise and intelligent guy I’m still striving to be, I need to remain open-minded and willing to consider another perception.

Difficult for my mind sometimes, because mainstream thinking keeps getting my goat, especially about religion.

Now I know full well we all need to believe in something beyond our mere existence and God I guess, in whatever form, does it for many on this planet.

I have other ideas that don’t include man’s idea of God. But I thought, given the chance, if the geezer did exist, I’d invite him to a local pub for a drink and maybe one of their home made pies.

Before meeting someone you want to chat to, it’s often best to know a bit about them, even if it’s a snippet to break the ice.

I know quite a bit about God because I was taught it as a kid. What I failed to comprehend was man’s behaviour in his relation to God and all that was supposed to stand for. To this day I still don’t understand, so my fantasy of a pint and a pasty with God might be an experience for us both.


My first question would be why in his name did he give man the authority to speak on his behalf. Or if he didn’t, why is he allowing man to abuse the assumption.

I’d like to know his version of sin, because in my eyes, sin isn’t about following our instincts and desires unless it conflicts with age of consent and mutual choice. Sin should only apply when we fail to control them and end up hurting or abusing others.

I’d like to know why he allows such suffering in his name. Universally, many of man’s horrors against man stem from a belief in God. Yet surely, it’s not God’s fault, if only he wouldn’t historically stand by and allow it to happen.

I’d be asking him if that other mystical creature the Devil is real and if so, are they in league with one another, or is God running scared.

I’d ask this because I really believe there is evil within religion, the hate, prejudice and discrimination towards people who are deemed to be different, some like myself (LGBT people) and many myths eagerly promoted within some elements of all religions that drive such hate and ignorance.

I’d also like him to explain to me heaven and hell and how he decides who goes to which. I’d be keen to understand the logic of being a good person and embracing humanity, but earmarked for hell because one didn’t believe in God, or was born a bit differently to man’s idea of normal.

I’d warn him to answer that carefully, because many of the god lot down on earth have got their answer cemented in stone and bricked into their brain.

I can see him laughing, a deep and gruff laugh aimed at man rather than me. I’d like to think he’d say I was a cheeky sod and deserved a clip round the ear. Maybe he’d be the one to do it and if it got my questions answered, bring it on.

Whether he did or not, I’d interrogate him, in the nicest possible way, as to why he allows man to get away with murdering man, just because one man believes something different to the other.

He might say “okay son, I know you’re a nice boy, but man has to learn from his own mistakes and in doing so, there will be collateral damage”.

Well, to that I’d say man hasn’t learnt anything because it’s 2016, not 1016 and it’s time man was told some home truths about his daft and foolish notions and what you intended for man. If it’s this, then you’re not worth your salt as a God worth following.

I can see him holding his head in his hands and sighing. I know it’s tough at the top but hey, this old God geezer might need a little empathy, especially if planet earth was not his only headache.

That’s another question I’d be asking him. Is he God for the infinity of space, or are there other gods, as a council of Gods who each have an allocated area of space to administer and govern.

Either way, I’d be suggesting it’s time he kicked some arse. Time he shot a few bolts through the major religions to remind them who’s boss and why they have lost the plot.

I’d be suggesting that it was long overdue for him to spiritly visit the heads of each religion. A kind of nightmare brain invasion for each of them. (No names. They know who they are).

In doing so, he could make it clear he plays no role in how humans are made because he devolved the power of creation to nature before man even existed.

Very likely, God would be saying it’s not how anyone is born, but how they live their life according to their own values and their behaviour towards humanity.

I’m also inclined to think, or fantasise, that we’d we sharing a joke or two and end up putting the world to rights.

I might not believe in the old bugger, but hey, if I got it all wrong and he answers my questions, I’d give him credit for being a cool dude and I might even follow him if he shot those bolts where they need going.

Of course, the scenario I paint here is my imagination running wild, like imagination and fantasy do within religion itself. If the truth be told, living life without God or being born gay doesn’t mean I’m batting for the wrong side.

A truth yet to be told by man himself, if the old geezer has the balls to tell him!

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